But here I am.

Before I get into my typical non-sense which tends to drag on for longer than it should, I’ll give some brief updates here. I’m a Badger alumnae. I have a job in Madison as a sales rep for a technology company. I got a dog named Kooba in February. She is 3/4 Border Collie and 1/4 Australian Shepherd. She is 15 months old and a beaut. I am moving into a new apartment soon that is off-campus and somewhere adults live… weird.

Clearly, you and I both know, however, that I did not start writing this to tell you all of the new details about my life.

More than anything, I have felt a burning desire inside to write every single thought down in my head, but at this point, it does not seem like the most logical decision. It is killing me. Writing is how I feel, how I heal, and how I move forward in life.

So…

Let the rambling begin.

Every morning for the past month or so, I have woken up with a smile. Right now, I feel like I am exactly where I need to be in life. A job, great apartment, wonderful dog, and a wonderful network of friends and family. At night, before bed… I still think of the past. I wonder where certain people are now. I wonder where I would be if I hadn’t transferred to UW. I think of every possible what if.

Then I get a little lost.

Everyone has made mistakes. Does everyone deserve forgiveness?

It is a confusing time in life right now. I am SO ready for this next phase of life. Yes, I actually want the routine of going to bed early and waking up early. At the same time, I see people who leave this week, next week, next month, or even people who are staying and feel that there is much more to say than I will or can.

I don’t think we ever know how much we impact other people’s lives. There are people who have impacted my life and have absolutely no idea. For example, my old boss told me something that radically changed my entire outlook on life. She said, “You won’t ever get over it. You just learn how to deal with it.” Obviously if you have read this blog before, you know what that is in reference to. Even though she and I do not speak often anymore, her saying that one thing to me during a late night at the office changed my life.

I had a conversation with a close friend the other night and came to a surprising realization. I told him that I felt like he didn’t really know me. How can someone I’ve spent a lot of time with in the past two years not even really know me? The answer I came to… college. When you are with your friends, no one sits and asks about your past, or your life really. It is more about being in the now. If someone makes you laugh and you have fun with them, they are your friend. In the past month people have started talking about the future and what is to come, but that is about it. It seems crazy to think about. With the exception of about five people, none of my friends from college really know me through and through. Barely any of them really know about my past, where I’ve been, and what I’ve overcome. They just know I like to dance, love music, and enjoy stooping hardcore. So… can you really keep in touch and stay close to someone who only knows you in the present without any context to why you might get angry over a certain word choice or decision?

I’ve spent the last two years looking to the future. Now I’m in it. I’m done with college. I have a job. I’m an “adult” according to the socially acceptable definition. I told about three people why I transferred here. Everyone else just knows I transferred. Is that a part of my life that friends should know? Or is it a secret I keep with me so I don’t have to think about it?

It just feels like forever ago. It feels like a dream. It feels like it never really happened.

So… is there a right answer?

I don’t think so.

I’m moving on from a lot of things in this next month. More changes are coming and I’m ready to face them.

I’ll never get over it. I’ve just learned to deal with it.

Disappointment seems to be coming in abundance right now from places I didn’t expect, so instead of focusing on other peoples’ questionable choices, I can only focus on making the right decisions for myself.

I will not cheat.

I will not lie.

I will not be like the people who have hurt me or people I love.

I will focus on living a happy, healthy life. I cherish the people I have in my life who contribute to this. My brother, mother, father, and close friends are incredible people who impact my life on a daily basis. Instead of focusing on the people who hurt me and hurt the people I love, I am going to focus on the people who add happiness to my life.

People are always going to make poor decisions and hurt others, but instead of letting these people have a negative impact on my life, I am going to focus on handling these situations with grace and dignity. I want to be the bigger person. It is easy to be irrationally angry and emotional. I want to focus on walking away from situations. I want to focus on taking a deep breath. I want to focus on myself.

Thanks to few people who taught me this lesson.

Two years gone.

Two people torn.

Two lives changed.

Two years gone.

Two.

Confusion is what I feel

when I look at you

and feel nothing.

Fear is what I feel

when I look at you

and see anger, hate, rage.

Two.

The daggers that flew

from your thoughtless mouth

still cut deep inside.

Two.

The pain that you caused

still courses through my body

forcing a fake smile to hide

the pain from everyone.

Two.

The bruises were nothing

compared to what you did

to my battered soul.

Two.

Control was your game

and after all this time

it looks like you’ve won.

Two.

Drink.

Puff.

Drink.

Forget.

Two.

I will not forget.

I will try to move on

and hope one day

it kills a little less.

Two.

I may not know

what it feels like

to have someone love me,

but at least I know

what it feels like

to love someone else.

Two.

You may haunt my nightmares,

and I may be your dream,

but sleep is not reality,

like the ring

that was on my finger.

Two.

Lies.

Cheating.

Pushes.

Shoves.

Throws.

Screaming.

Yelling.

Crying.

Two.

It was always my fault.

I made you do it.

I wasn’t good enough.

I wasn’t pretty.

I wasn’t smart.

I wasn’t funny.

I wasn’t anything.

Two.

Fear made me stay.

Hope made me stay.

Love made me stay.

Alcohol made me stay.

You did not make me stay.

Two.

Force…

Force…

Force.

Two.

I have to believe

that the sun will rise tomorrow.

I have to believe

that someone will forget my past

to take my future.

I have to believe

that I will escape the pain.

I have to believe

that I will escape you

and the games

you played with my life.

I have to believe

that I have survived.

I have to believe

that it is over.

I have to believe

in Karma.

I have to believe

in myself.

Two.

Two.

Two years gone.

Two people torn.

Two lives changed.

Two years gone.

Two.

Two.

I’ve spent two years going through phases of ignoring what happened to me, then focusing on what happened to heal, then ignoring it again. This endless cycle of acceptance and attempting to forget forces me down a path of confusion. The only time that I really notice how much I am subconsciously thinking about everything is when I sleep. With the two year mark of everything only five days away, my mind has been racing constantly.

Last night, like most nights, I had a nightmare. I was in Vermont at my old college, but no one else was there. I found myself trapped in the dorm that everything happened in. I couldn’t escape. As the dream progressed, I was trying to find a way out, and started to hear footsteps above me. They started coming down the stairs… down the hall… and stopped outside my room. I tried to hide in the hopes that he would leave. Instead of a knock… it was a bang.

Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang.

Hide. Don’t breathe. He’ll go away. This will all go away.

Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang.

Someone will come to help. Surely someone will come to help.

Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang.

My mind raced trying to think of how I could escape.

Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang.

The next part of the dream was more alarming and hit deeper than any of the nightmares I’ve had before.

He said in a calm, relaxed voice… in the tone that I had heard after countless fights to try to keep me there…. “You know I’m always going to be here.”

Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang.

I stayed hidden.

BANG.

The door exploded open.

I woke up.

Shaking.

Crying.

Terrified.

I don’t know how much longer I can live like this. Every time I think I’m over it, strong, and have survived, my mind retreats to feelings of guilt, fear, and loneliness.

Perhaps it is just the time of the year again.

I would literally give you everything I’ve got for a little peace of mind.

It seems in an endless whirlwind of listening to stories about adultery, the media depicting cheating as being enticing (watch “Unfaithful”), and a lack of responsibility in relationships that monogamy is dead.

I refuse to accept this as being ok, however, and feel the need to write about it now more than ever.

This past Thursday, I was in a taxi and the driver decided that we should have a heart to heart. We discussed monogamy in depth and he explained to me that monogamy is dead and I will learn this as I grow older. He said that he was married for 17 years to a woman with Multiple Personality Disorder and never had sex, so after 15 years of being deprived, went out and got some. Two years later they separated. Instead of feeling sorry for this man and understanding why he felt the need to cheat, I felt anger towards him. Why would he marry a woman he knew had sever mental problems? Why would he stay with her as long as he did? And why after 15 years of dealing with it did he feel the need to stray?

This past Saturday, I was in a taxi again. Yes… seriously. The driver started talking to my two friends and I about the fact that he has been engaged to a woman for 12 years, has three children with her, but in the past two months has been seeing another woman. He asked if we thought he was a bad person because he can’t sleep anymore as a result of the stress he feels. I told him that I did not think he was a bad person, but rather needed to reevaluate his priorities in life. I continued to say that if he was even thinking about cheating and taking this other woman out, then he should leave the woman he has been with for 12 years because it will be better for his children to have two happy parents.

So what have these two experiences taught me?

1) Cab drivers are fucking crazy. 2) Cheating leads to such moral guilt that people MUST tell someone… even if it is a stranger they will never see again. 3) The two men I spoke to are not leading happy lives now because of their actions. It became apparent that they are extremely unhappy with the lives they are leading. 4) I could see the pain and regret in their eyes. 5) Cheaters are the most selfish people in the world.

I cannot accept the idea that monogamy is dead. I can, however, accept the idea that people have given up on trying to be monogamous. It is exciting to reconnect with a past love…say a high school girlfriend, when you grow older and your life takes unexpected turns. It is enticing to lie, cheat, and feel the thrill of sneaking around. It is easy to give up on working towards a healthy relationship, when someone younger, and eager is standing around the corner.

I have seen many people devastate the people around them as well as ruin their own lives through cheating. I have felt the pain of someone cheating on me. I have felt the pain of someone cheating on one of the most important people in my life. Through all of my experiences with cheating, I have one conclusion… it always ends worse than just ending the relationship beforehand and it absolutely destroys lives.

Everyone has an excuse. It may be that they are having a mid-life crisis, or that they feel alone, or that they never got over someone…. and the list keeps going. At the end of the day, however, how can you make an excuse for killing the people you love with your actions? How can you excuse destroying a person to the point that they cannot ever look at you again? How can you excuse making decisions that result in everyone losing all respect for you?

I understand that relationships are complex and that love is complex. Believe me… I understand fully that love is difficult, will lead you to sacrifice your own happiness at times, and will lead you to stay with someone who absolutely does you wrong. I understand that love changes over time. I understand that sometimes, we are willing to endure pain to be with the person we love. I do not understand, however, how someone can knowingly inflict this pain. Everyone gets caught, one way or another. Why fall to temptation? If you are thinking about cheating… you already are cheating. Leave. It is always better to be honest and hurt the person up front than to lie to them. Are you really in love with someone who you want to cheat on?

I was on a vacation with an ex-boyfriend one time and he received a text message on his phone. He was in the other room and told me to check it… it was from someone with a name of someone who I thought was one of our mutual friends. When I opened it, the text was a picture of a girl in her panties that said, “Hey baby. Thought you might like this ” …. Caught red-handed.

Not only was the smiley face at the end of the text nauseating, but the girl was from where we were vacationing… which meant they probably had talked about the fact that he was there and maybe planned to meet up. When he entered the room to find me packing my suitcase, I was blamed for it. I had a phone thrown at my face. I was at fault for what happened.

I didn’t leave him.

This is why I say that I understand how hard it is to actually leave when you realize that you are not in a monogamous relationships because you want to believe it will work out. Let me tell you from experience… it won’t. Once they realize that you accept their indiscretion and forgive them, they go right back for more. Then the mental and emotional abuse have a platform. It is easy after that for your partner to call you crazy, or paranoid, or tell you that they cheated because you don’t offer enough, you aren’t pretty enough, you aren’t smart enough… etc. The only option is to leave and move on.

I do not believe that monogamy is dead. I believe that it is the ultimate goal in a relationship for logical, sane people. If you can stay in love with someone, loyal to them, and honest with them for as long as the relationship lasts, then that is a successful partnership.

Why even be with someone if you want other people? I have lived the single life for awhile now because I realized that I did not want to commit to anyone because I did not feel I could emotionally. Now, I do feel that I am ready to be monogamous. Yes… take a deep breath. I, Kathleen Taylour Claypool, feel that I am emotionally ready to be with someone.

I have grown to realize what I want from someone else, how I can maintain my ground in a relationship, and how to let the past go when looking towards the future with someone. The trick to this is finding someone else with the same outlook on the topic, someone with the same relaxed outlook on relationships that I possess (meaning not rushing into anything and not becoming a typical, inseparable couple), and someone I can trust.

Those three qualities are rare and hard to come by, so I know when I find someone with them, they are the person I want to commit to. It takes time to build trust. It takes time to learn if someone has the same outlook on relationships. It takes time to grow comfortable to talk about these topics. Perhaps another issue with monogamy is that we are always rushing into relationships without really laying the groundwork for them.

The point of this rambling post about monogamy and cheating is that I am angry. I am angry looking back on my past, looking back on times I was crushed by someone else’s decisions, looking back on people I love being hurt by cheating. It is the easy way out to claim that monogamy is dead, but it is not the right way. It is possible to commit to someone. It is possible to be honest with someone. And it is possible to leave someone before you fall to temptation if that is the path you are stumbling down.

I look around me right now and see people I love in pain. People I love are suffering from the actions of one person.

Was it worth it?

With so many important dates and celebrations, it is easy to forget that my least favorite time of year is right around the corner. With November quickly approaching, I have to say that I have been thinking extensively about the past. For the majority of this semester, I have done nothing but look to the future, but suddenly I find myself dipping back and realizing more than I have before. Instead of focusing on the negatives of my past at this moment, I am trying to focus on the remaining days of October and think about what I can do to help other women.

Domestic Violence Awareness Month. What do you do? Raise awareness? I can easily say that the majority of people in this country do not know the definition of domestic violence, what constitutes as being violent behavior, or how they can find help. Do you know that throwing a cell phone at your partner’s face is domestic violence? Do you know that withholding money from your partner is domestic violence? Do you know that emotional abuse such as calling your partner dumb, fat, or a bitch is domestic violence? On the night of November 15th, 2008, I remember the police officer telling me that I was in an abusive relationship… that I was a victim of domestic violence… even with everything that had happened that night and previously, every emotional and physical mark I had endured, I had never once thought that I was battling domestic violence. Many people ask how I didn’t realize it. Well… when was I educated about it? When were you educated about it? We weren’t. I only learned what domestic violence is by living through it.

What if starting in middle school, health classes included a segment on domestic violence? They could teach the warning signs, when to get out, how to find help, and how to move on. If 1 in 4 women experiences this in their lifetime, we NEED to be educating our youth about it.

Tomorrow night is “Take Back the Night.” Not only is it an important event to me, but it happens to fall on my birthday this year. What better way of celebrating turning 22 than celebrating living life free of fear and abuse?

During this time of year, a lot of emotions flood my soul. I still find myself feeling anger… feeling empty… and feeling alone. Then I stop myself and look at the progress I have made over the last two years. In two years I went from having my life controlled, facing some form of abuse on a near daily basis, feeling hopeless, and living under someone else to now living every single day to the fullest, no matter what that might mean. These drastic changes occurred in only 2 years! I have come so far in such a short time that it makes me wonder where I will be when 3 years come… or 5… or 10.

Some people think I’m reckless and never look past today. Maybe there is some truth to that, but those people need to realize that I used to dread waking up in the morning because I didn’t know what I would face. My favorite time of the day used to be when I was sleeping because it was the time I was happiest. Now… I am living. When I turned 21 last year, I could not believe it. I didn’t even go out to drink on my birthday because I didn’t want to jinx it. My 19th and 20th years alive were easily the worst I could imagine living through… but I survived it all. I can honestly look back on this last year, however, and say that it was the best. With 22 less than 24 hours away, I see myself continuing to rise above my struggles, continuing to live life the way that I want to live it, looking more and more towards the future instead of the past, and growing with every new experience over the next year.

With my birthday tomorrow, with Domestic Violence Awareness Month turning to the month I escaped and survived DV, and with my senior year dwindling down day by day, I am looking forward with strength and excitement to see what the next year holds. Graduation… getting a real job… moving out into the real world…

This August Wilson quote seems to hit the spot right now and explain my thinking more eloquently than I ever could- “Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.”

He will be turning two years old on October 30th.

We got Walt on December 22nd, 2008; one week after I came home for good from Vermont. On the 22nd, my entire family went to Delafield to pickup our Christmas present. We walked in and saw the schnauzers running about with the excitement of guests. After playing with the puppies for a few minutes, I picked up Walter, walked to the car, and we drove home. He slept on my lap the whole ride back.

For three days straight, he and I laid in a recliner in the family room sleeping. He was only 7 weeks old and was still a little young to be away from his mother, so he appreciated the rest. When I look back on the experience I had in Vermont and having to leave to start over, I often reflect on these three days as being what brought me back to life. The week before we had gotten Walter and after I had been home was the first time in my life I thought I was going to give up completely. I felt lost, empty, and worthless despite the constant support and love given from friends and family. It appeared there was nothing to move forward to. The days seemed non-existant as I slept them away and the nights were lonely, filled with thoughts of the life I had led and when it had all gone wrong…. when I should’ve left… why I didn’t… and where I could possibly go from where I was. I was scrambling to find a way to transfer schools, trying to regain my thoughts, trying to re-enter the world as a normal 20 year old girl without a weight on my heart, trying to re-connect with my family, trying to cut people out of my life who I didn’t need, and trying to find something to give me a purpose. I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t anymore. I wanted to scream, but I couldn’t anymore. I was drained of everything after the court date and needed something to get me back to reality.

That is what Walter did for me. He gave me hope and purpose. He brought me back to reality. He made me feel love again. He brought me back.

For three days, I laid holding him. Every time he would look up at me, I felt like I had found what I needed. As the days became weeks, I spent most of my time with him teaching him tricks (like how to pound it), taking him on walks with my mom, and playing with him. Not only did Walter make me feel alive again, but he brought me closer to my family. Needless to say, things were hard at home when I left Vermont. I am not selfish enough to think that what happened only impacted my life. It drastically affected my family as well, and Walt gave us something in common. We would sit together and play with him, watch movies and pass him around to hold at night, and go on walks together. The walks provided opportunities to talk to my mom about my feelings after what happened on a daily basis. They brought us closer.

Winter turned to spring and so it went. Walt grew, and so did my spirit. Things started to sync again. I started going on dates again (although unsuccessfully). I started feeling again, little by little. I began to feel my old self come back into my body. I didn’t smile to fake it, but smiled because I was happy. I started to laugh and enjoy little things more and more by the day.

When days got tough, I played with Walt to cheer me up. One night I remember, I came home late from a friend’s apartment and was having a rough time. I had been flooded with memories of what had happened and needed something to alleviate the pain, so I walked in my house, grabbed Walter and sat holding him for the majority of the night. He licked my tears, put his paws on my shoulders, and hugged me.

The older that Walt gets, the more time passes from my old life. The older he gets, the more I am reminded of how much I have grown from my experience. The older he gets, the more freedom I gain. The older he gets,  the more I am reminded of this particular day and how I couldn’t have achieved this without the help of a miniature schnauzer- http://kathleenclaypool.wordpress.com/2009/12/03/its-about-you/

Dogs are dogs. I get that. I am not saying that my dog is better than yours or any of that immature bullshit. What I am saying is that I 100% believe that Walt is the reason why I have been able to move on from the past, rebuild a life, and find true happiness. He gave me a reason to get out of bed in the morning. It isn’t that he is my dog, but rather that he is the one thing in the world that brought me back to life.

Walter is a part of my life that I did not have when I was in Vermont. He is a part of my life that represents the progress and changes I have made in the last two years. He is the bright spot in my day when my mom sends me a picture of him. We have a bond that cannot be broken.

Here’s to hoping the vet can figure out what is wrong with him today, since they didn’t yesterday. Wish I was there with him.

Not to be an infomercial… but, if you have survived domestic abuse, are going through it now, or know someone who is, visit the national coalition against domestic violence website http://www.ncadv.org/ . It is informative and a great place to find support. Domestic Violence Awareness Month is in October, so it is time to wear purple and help support victims and survivors.

We talked about how similar we both are in the fact that we don’t really have emotions in a romantic sense towards other people. We don’t get butterflies when we see someone, we don’t like anyone, we don’t think about anyone other than on a friendship level, and we haven’t for a very very long time. It was interesting to hear someone else say the exact same things that I was thinking. Everyone constantly seems to want someone, or have a crush, or be on the hunt for the next great love… but for the past two years, I have felt alone in the fact that I haven’t been looking for anything. I found comfort in hearing someone else really understand where I am coming from on this topic. So many people say that they don’t want a girlfriend or boyfriend, then a few weeks later they are madly in love. We both concluded that it is not the fact that we don’t want a partner, but rather that we don’t have the necessary emotional capacity to be with someone right now.

I often wonder how much people actually have within them to give to someone else. I see so many couples still together who have been dating since high school, or who have been together for all of college, or new couples who have never really had an intense relationship before… then I look at my past. I rarely re-read what I write in my journal, but I did this morning in between class. A lot of my writing focused on the idea that perhaps I am runnin’ on empty. Perhaps I have given all the love I had away to the only person I have ever loved. It is not something I can get back. It’s gone.

I have met so many amazing people since then, but in almost 2 years of it ending, I have never even come close to the feelings I had before. Was it innocence? Was I naive? Am I just too skeptical now after everything that happened?

These questions do not have an answer.

My aforementioned friend told me in our conversation that one day I’m going to meet the guy who treats me the way I deserve to be treated and who is the perfect match for me because I am a good person and deserve happiness. I appreciate his sincere hope for this, but I have heard this from so many people since I left Vermont. I honestly do not think that is the path my life will follow. I see myself dating many men in my life who will all offer something different to my overall existence. No “ifs” about this statement. I am a Samantha Jones (to throw out Sex and the City references). I am not looking for a partner. I do, however, appreciate anyone who can offer anything positive into my life. This can come in the shape of a friend, a date, a boyfriend, or the homeless man on State Street who tells me everyday that I am beautiful. I love that guy. He’s also a Bears fan not to mention the closest thing I’ve had to commitment in awhile. We say hello everyday. It’s intense.

The point is, I have a real problem with the implication that a “single” is always looking for a relationship and if they are not… well…. they are fucked up. I am single because I want to be. I could settle for something in the moment, but why? I have listened to “Love the Way You Lie,” by Eminem practically on repeat since it came out to remind myself of the hardships I faced and how I absolutely do not want to trap myself again. I love having the freedom to do whatever it is I want to do with my time, not to mention the freedom to check out all of my ridonkulously good looking friends. On a brief side note- why is it that every year when guys come back to college after the summer they look 10x better than when they left? Girls always look the same. Keep it up guys. We all certainly appreciate it.

I digress.

I’m sure one day these thoughts will change. Hell, for the sake of irony, I’ll probably be the first of my friends to get married and my maid of honor will read this at my wedding to show the power of love and how it can change the world. Before life is an endless parade of marriages, children, homes, jobs, etc…. I will enjoy being selfish, free, young, and spontaneous as long as I can.

This past weekend taught me that there are other people with the exact same outlook that I have right now and that in itself is beyond comforting. Despite the looming date of graduation and the pressure to find a job and grow up, it is important to remember that we are so young. In four years, I went from thinking I had found my future husband, to completely rejecting the idea of any relationship. Who knows what the next four years will bring? I’m ok with that. I’m ok with change. We’re all different. Just because I don’t want a partner doesn’t mean it is wrong to be in a relationship. It’s kind of like how I feel in class. I am just not ready to take notes on my computer because I cannot avoid distractions such a facebook or writing, so I still use a notebook. Same with relationships; I am just not ready yet.

I got my friends, family, music, writing, an education, and real happiness derived from myself and not someone else. I’m in a sweet spot in life right now and I’m savoring it while I can.

When I say living in the dark, I am referring to the fact that for the past 3 years, I have had absolutely no idea what would come next. When I left Vermont, I did not know where I would transfer to; I just knew it would work out somehow. When I came to Wisconsin, I had no idea who I would hangout with or where I would live; but I knew it would work out. When certain days have come and gone, I didn’t know if I would hear from old friends and how it would impact me; but I have always known I will be ok.

The beginning of this school year is interesting to me. When I look back on starting here in the fall of last year, it was all exciting, new, and an adventure. This year, it is hard to comprehend how in a 3 year span, 1 person has lived 2 completely different lives. My friends here in Wisconsin know relatively nothing about my previous college experience except for the reason why I transferred, where it was, and why I hate it. They do not know about the acquaintances I had in classes, or the beautiful quad in the middle of campus, or Thanksgiving dinner in the dining hall, or P-Day, or the friends who I did love very much. It is not a time they can understand because there is no way to paint a perfect picture for someone who has not seen the inspiration behind the painting. The same goes for my friends in Vermont (the few I still talk to). They do not know about how amazing having season tickets to a Big-10 football team is, or Halloween in Madison, or Mifflin block party, or how most of the classes are graded by teaching assistants so if you have a problem you talk to a 24 year old instead of a 60 year old priest, or the terrace, or even what a coastie is. I have lived two lives in college that are almost as different as they could possibly be.

A small, private, catholic school in Vermont. A large, public, Big-10 school in Wisconsin.

Different friends. Different emotions. Different activities. Different interests.

Different lives.

I am absolutely in love with where I am now. Everything about this school fits with what I want right now and where I am in my own personal growth. That is not to say, however, that this would have fit so well fresh out of high school. I needed to go to a small school and grow up a bit. I didn’t know I would be forced into a situation that made me grow up so fast, but hey… I still grew up somehow. Through that growth, I have become a confident woman who can walk through the city of Madison with my head held high knowing that I am in the right place at the right time.

There is something special about being in a class with 200 people instead of 20. There is something special about the fact that 40,000 students all have the same spots to hangout, the same school to cheer for, and the same events to attend instead of having 2,000 students with the option of going to the hockey game or staying home to drink then going out after the hockey game. There is something special about not knowing everyone and having the opportunity to meet new people every single day instead of knowing everyone’s business and living in a perpetually boring high school world. There is something special about the caliber of students who go to the library everyday after class instead of attending class because you have to and never doing homework because the school is easy enough to pass without putting in effort.

I am proud of where I am. I am proud to have grown so much. I am proud to be a Badger.

Are you proud of where you are?

I am more content with where I am now more than ever before. I know I will find a job following college. I know I will live somewhere exciting and enjoy my 20′s with fabulous people. Why stress about it right now? Football season hasn’t even started, people!

For now, I will sit on my balcony, read, write, and breath easy… because I can.

Write to live. Live to write.